Secondary Gain

There is a fine line between enabling others to avoid their own responsibilities and being a douchebag who pulls the plug at the expense of others. Sometimes you have to stop helping others so they can grow up and help themselves. Sometimes help is actually hurt. It is extremely difficult for caretakers to discern the difference between help and hurt because to the caretaker it all looks like help when it's actually not. The caretaker will sacrifice herself in the process of helping others avoid personal growth and accountability. Caretakers don't think about how they are hurting themselves because they so don't want to think of themselves as hurtful to others, and since they don't think of themselves as having legitimate value (that is, worthy of self-care), they continue to kill themselves rather than save themselves and "hurt" others even if the moral thing to do would be to not gratuitously assist another person. I ask myself that every day: Why do I think so little of myself that I continue to hurt myself under the guise of helping others? The concept (and reality) involves what is called "secondary gain." Everybody operates from a point of view of self-interest whether it is recognized or not. People can stomp their feet and cry out in denial, but it's still true. It's a biologic imperative. For every action you do, there is self-interest somewhere at the core. It may look like altruism, but it's not necessarily that. There is an element of secondary gain to every human interaction. The question that has to be honestly (no bullshit) answered is this one: What am I getting out of this? It's a hard question, but there is an answer if you will only take the time to analyze it as rationally as possible. Most caretakers will steadfastly refuse to answer that question; hence, they are perpetually stuck in neurotic caretaking mode because they are more psychoemotionally comfortable being in denial about their secondary gain. You can deny gravity all you want, but it still exists despite your adamant refusal to believe it.