Hey, Miss Sarah J. I guess by your time it's your birthday. I didn't send you anything; I can't call you. Well, I guess I can, but you get my drift. I didn't do a darn thing for you.
But I did ask Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, some random Fairies, the Three Billy Goats Gruff, a Troll, Medusa, Zeus, and Michael Beauchamp, of course, for some favors.
First, I told Santa that I know 100% that you haven't done anything naughty. I left out the illegal camping in the Shenandoah. Anyway, it looks like next Christmas you're set.
Second, the Easter Bunny. I asked him to give you a sunny day when you needed one. So, if it ever seems like the clouds won't clear, just ask the Bunny man to hook you up because he owes me. He almost had a public disaster of drunken misconduct, and I testified that it was a false accusation (which it was not). Anyway, he was having a rough week, so I figured one white lie for the poor guy wouldn't end the world, and millions of kids could keep on getting massive amounts of candy.
Third, the Fairy clan, which has nothing to do with a gay bar. I asked them to give you some of their fairy dust---to fly with, of course. They said no. But they did say they would give you a miracle. And then they told me that there is a mathmatical probability that you have one about once a month anyway, so I guess that means it's no skin off their backs. They're kind of condescending. Anyway, you got a miracle coming your way.
Fourth---oh yes, the Three Billy Goats Gruff. You have safe passage over any bridge for a full year. Then I bullied them into giving you safe passage over bridges for the rest of your life. Pretty good deal. In trade though, I have to give them all my recyclables for the rest of my life (to eat, I believe).
The Troll is an old friend of mine. I met him in the woods of Michigan. Quite a shy fellow, but very dear and sweet. He doesn't look very appealing, but behind his skin is a glowing light of golden geniune goodness. Anyway, he didn't have anything to give, nor would I ask to take from him. It just doesn't seem right. But he does have this special ability where he can travel within the blink of an eye. The thing is, though---you can't see him once he's traveled. He's there, but you wouldn't know it. Anyway, I asked him to check up on you and if you were ever doing something alone that he would join you. So, when you think you're alone, he's there. Talk to him. He's a great listener.
Fifth, I asked Medusa, with my eyes closed, that if you were ever having a bad-hair day, the next day you would have the best-hair day. You see, since her hair can be quite untameable, as you may have noticed, she is very sympathetic to people when they're having bad-hair days. But normally she wouldn't do anything about it. Then I showed her my rat's nest of a hairdo. She felt so sorry for me, and she said she would give me anything I wanted. I told her I got's me a friend in Korea---hook her up.
Sixth, never talk to Zeus. What a skeeve! When I asked him to give you a great and grand birthday present, he wanted to knock you up........ to which I told him that perhaps his gift should be the gift of not impregnating you. He said he could control himself. I don't know, Phoebes---I think he's got his eye out for you. You might be the next Mary Magdalene. But thank god Hera was there. She said she'd keep an eye out that no skeeves would come near you. Any skeeves, Zeus or not. She also said Apollo was single right now, but he is such a player, Phoebes. Just because he's beautiful, it doesn't mean he's not vapid. Anyway, she might try and set you up. Sorry, but that really turned into a mess.
Then there's the best of all. I couldn't get ahold of Michael himself, but I did ask him telepathically to write a new song that would be your song. I don't know if he got the message. But we'll see if his new albumn doesn't have something that rings true just for you.
So, there's nothing material, nothing concrete, but hopefully my gift is one of introverted delight. You might be wondering why I never told you I knew such movie stars and how to get in touch with them. Well, I'm kind of sworn to secrecy. But since I have never spilled the beans and have been a loyal trustee, they lifted my oath for the day, and I was allowed to tell one person.
Ultimately, I hope this brightens your day from so far away. You've got more eyes looking out for you than you'll ever know. But don't get paranoid; it's not like that. They are only there when you want them there.
I love you. Happy Birthday, and Happy Valentine's day. Hey, would you be my Valentine? I've never had one. And I think it's damn time! And there's no one else I would want to be my Valentine. Guys are douches anyway.
Love, E.
But I did ask Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, some random Fairies, the Three Billy Goats Gruff, a Troll, Medusa, Zeus, and Michael Beauchamp, of course, for some favors.
First, I told Santa that I know 100% that you haven't done anything naughty. I left out the illegal camping in the Shenandoah. Anyway, it looks like next Christmas you're set.
Second, the Easter Bunny. I asked him to give you a sunny day when you needed one. So, if it ever seems like the clouds won't clear, just ask the Bunny man to hook you up because he owes me. He almost had a public disaster of drunken misconduct, and I testified that it was a false accusation (which it was not). Anyway, he was having a rough week, so I figured one white lie for the poor guy wouldn't end the world, and millions of kids could keep on getting massive amounts of candy.
Third, the Fairy clan, which has nothing to do with a gay bar. I asked them to give you some of their fairy dust---to fly with, of course. They said no. But they did say they would give you a miracle. And then they told me that there is a mathmatical probability that you have one about once a month anyway, so I guess that means it's no skin off their backs. They're kind of condescending. Anyway, you got a miracle coming your way.
Fourth---oh yes, the Three Billy Goats Gruff. You have safe passage over any bridge for a full year. Then I bullied them into giving you safe passage over bridges for the rest of your life. Pretty good deal. In trade though, I have to give them all my recyclables for the rest of my life (to eat, I believe).
The Troll is an old friend of mine. I met him in the woods of Michigan. Quite a shy fellow, but very dear and sweet. He doesn't look very appealing, but behind his skin is a glowing light of golden geniune goodness. Anyway, he didn't have anything to give, nor would I ask to take from him. It just doesn't seem right. But he does have this special ability where he can travel within the blink of an eye. The thing is, though---you can't see him once he's traveled. He's there, but you wouldn't know it. Anyway, I asked him to check up on you and if you were ever doing something alone that he would join you. So, when you think you're alone, he's there. Talk to him. He's a great listener.
Fifth, I asked Medusa, with my eyes closed, that if you were ever having a bad-hair day, the next day you would have the best-hair day. You see, since her hair can be quite untameable, as you may have noticed, she is very sympathetic to people when they're having bad-hair days. But normally she wouldn't do anything about it. Then I showed her my rat's nest of a hairdo. She felt so sorry for me, and she said she would give me anything I wanted. I told her I got's me a friend in Korea---hook her up.
Sixth, never talk to Zeus. What a skeeve! When I asked him to give you a great and grand birthday present, he wanted to knock you up........ to which I told him that perhaps his gift should be the gift of not impregnating you. He said he could control himself. I don't know, Phoebes---I think he's got his eye out for you. You might be the next Mary Magdalene. But thank god Hera was there. She said she'd keep an eye out that no skeeves would come near you. Any skeeves, Zeus or not. She also said Apollo was single right now, but he is such a player, Phoebes. Just because he's beautiful, it doesn't mean he's not vapid. Anyway, she might try and set you up. Sorry, but that really turned into a mess.
Then there's the best of all. I couldn't get ahold of Michael himself, but I did ask him telepathically to write a new song that would be your song. I don't know if he got the message. But we'll see if his new albumn doesn't have something that rings true just for you.
So, there's nothing material, nothing concrete, but hopefully my gift is one of introverted delight. You might be wondering why I never told you I knew such movie stars and how to get in touch with them. Well, I'm kind of sworn to secrecy. But since I have never spilled the beans and have been a loyal trustee, they lifted my oath for the day, and I was allowed to tell one person.
Ultimately, I hope this brightens your day from so far away. You've got more eyes looking out for you than you'll ever know. But don't get paranoid; it's not like that. They are only there when you want them there.
I love you. Happy Birthday, and Happy Valentine's day. Hey, would you be my Valentine? I've never had one. And I think it's damn time! And there's no one else I would want to be my Valentine. Guys are douches anyway.
Love, E.
