The Constant Gardener

The book "The Constant Gardener" (2001, John le Carre) is a constant reminder to ask: "How many die or suffer so we may live?" The math comes down to the smallest detail. We watch clean water go down our drains while millions of people in the world drink dirty water or have to walk 35 miles each day for a drink. This world has been arranged in a very lopsided manner. Where is the balance? Almost everything we enjoy comes at the terrible expense of someone else.

Nastygrams

I received a nastygram from a woman I befriended and helped for many years. It blamed me for dysfunctionality, negativity, unhealthiness, and everything that was wrong with this so-called relationship. It is a wonder to me that people can be so convinced there is nothing wrong with them but that I am to blame for such a lot of strife that they are forced, for their own sake, to end the relationship with me. As I have said many times, evil is the unwillingness to examine one's own sin(s).

In accordance with my new policy for 2011, I don't care. This is one "relationship" I am not going to mourn. She was not a friend to me from the moment our "friendship" began. I am not to blame for her life, and she is hardly perfect. She is inflexible, argumentative, not exactly fun to be around, and not a companion in any sense of the word. She is not as mentally healthy as she thinks she is, and she herself is full of negativity, so she would do well to point the finger at herself and not at me. But that won't happen. People justify themselves even when wrong.

I felt sorry for her, and I realize that is no basis for a friendship or relationship of any kind. I tried more than I should have done to help her emotionally, financially, and every which way. On the other hand, she found it impossible to do even a slight favor for me without having a meltdown. It's her loss, not mine. And I don't care any longer. Since she is blameless and everything is my fault, she will never take the opportunity to examine her own behavior and attitudes. It's just easier, as it has been for many people in my life, to blame me than to take honest responsibility for oneself. Goodbye and good luck. I hope she gets what she is looking for, but I won't be part of the scenario. I learn, always too late, to stop spending energy, money, and time servicing others' needs. No good deed goes unpunished, but I don't even care about that. Dismissed. Next?

In Retrospect

On May 27, 2006, I drove to Asheville, North Carolina, from Baltimore, Maryland. The reason for the trip was to see old friends and their new downtown condominium. I drove over the Shenandoah River to get there. One road sign along the way said "Dismal Hollow." I had some fun visualizing what a happy place that was/is. I should live there for a while just to find out. It was OK to be alone on the trip, but it would have been better (perhaps) with a loving companion. That's what most people aim for. I don't know how successful most people are at finding their loving companion, but I do know what Robert Duvall meant when he delivered that line in "Broken Trail." The movie is worth the time it takes to watch it and the time it takes to absorb the pithy dialogue. It stays with you.

Focus

Writing is easier when there is a focus of attention on a relatively narrow topic. Shotgut or scattered attention leads to chaos, disorganization, and, ultimately, despair. There must be a beginning and a steady, focused progression toward an end that is satisfying or that fulfills a need. What captures your attention? What would you like to accomplish? What do you want to be? Why are you doing what you are doing? Is it a passion? A pasttime? A time suck? Does what you are doing interest you? Do you lose a sense of time when you are engaged in it? Do you fantasize about it in some way? What do you dream about or think would make you happy? Are you happy now? When you dream, do you dream of doing something else and being somewhere else?

Read or re-read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

Love

Love is not only an idea and a feeling. It is a physical fact. Children (and adults) who do not experience the physical fact of love wither and sometimes die. Failure to thrive comes not only from lack of emotional and psychological nurturance but also from lack of physical love, whether that is lack of food, drink, touching, or companionship. Missing someone is not like missing cigarettes. Missing cigarettes gets easier each day you don't smoke. Missing someone you love is like missing water. Each day you notice the lack more and more.

A New Year 2011

There are many things that could (or may) be accomplished in this new year 2011. For one thing, it's an odd-number year. I seem to like those best. There is a lot of accomplishment that can be achieved in an odd-number year. However, in this odd-number year, I will be 68 years old. That's an even-number age, and I'm not fond of even numbers. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I was born in an odd year (1943), maybe it's because I am ambidextrous, maybe it's because I, unlike many others, recognize mental illness when I see it, and maybe it 's because the reasoning makes as much sense as the Republicans telling us that we can have no deficit while giving a metric fuck-ton of money to the already-wealthy and never raising taxes, at the same time supporting two wars (more wars to come) and beefing up the defense budget.

For all of those who do not think me worthy of being in their company or having me on their long list of "friends," I want to start this new year 2011 by saying "I don't care." Any memory of you or kindness toward you has been kept alive by virtue of my brain power, my energy, my passion, my will and desire, and my love. I can pull the plug on that considerable personal effort. I won't expend any more of my energy, thoughts, good wishes, love, or higher consciousness on you who disdain me. Take your dislike of me and let it give you cancer instead of giving me grief. I no longer care. The new year 2011 will be one of not caring.

Before my beloved readers become concerned about that sudden attitudinal change in me, allow me to explain that it's not that I will be apathetic, uncompassionate, or unfeeling this year. It's that I will no longer internalize the negative vibrations, vitriol, indifference, and uncaring that have permeated the vicious, insane, unkind political and personal atmosphere, as I've perceived it in the past several years, created by others who are self-absorbed, stupid, and not worthy of my loving and/or mindful support.

I no longer care. I will use that energy and mindfulness to support something of value to me from now on. 2011 will be a good year.

Welcome to mobile blog, she thinks.