Here is a 24-year-old journalist, adventurer, philosopher, observer, artist, sage, and poet in the making. I proudly post her latest missive. Her words should be immortalized. It is hard not to unabashedly live vicariously through her experiences.
Dear Friends and Family,
There are no excuses for not keeping in touch more consistently, if at all, though I will nonchalantly throw in that I have no readily available Internet or phone access (it's kind of a contributing factor). Currently, I am leeching off of a WiFi spot in downtown Zortman (Montana) at the motel. It is a Saturday night, which means Zortman, population 75, is alive with activity. It also doesn't help that I am 200 feet from the main attraction in Zortman, perhaps the only: The Bar. Here with my borrowed laptop, I am enjoying the brisk weather and hazy moon peeping out from the mountains.
My summer in Montana has reached its halfway point. I hear rumors that the remaining crew will be let go in the middle of October. So, it looks like I will be spending my 24th birthday in Montana, though I don't think there is anywhere else I would want to spend it. I am in love with Zortman. The mountains have seeped deep into my soul, and I feel like this is the first place that I have let it---the first place I want to take over my heart. Nowhere has ever felt like home until now. I'm still analyzing this new feeling but taking it with a grain of salt as well. Don't worry; I haven't grown any roots yet. I would say it's just the feeling.
I would begin from the beginning, but there is far too much. Simply put, it's too late in the evening to start writing a novel. I will tell you that all of the summers of Girl Scout Camp have not helped me prepare for this world: The "Man's World." Which I honestly mean in no sexist way. There are simply things throughout my life that I have never been exposed to, and the plain simple fact is that (a) I'm a girl, and (b) I didn't grow up on a farm.
It's almost like an unconscious form of protection by men, at least from what I have observed. My "boys" have been helpful and understanding and patient with my complete ineptitude in their world. They have calmly and courageously shown me how to use a chainsaw and have never expected me to push myself past my comfort zone. It's a heartening thing to think that I've been hired based on the fact that I will work hard, period. Not how fast I work or how much I can plug out but the plain fact that I will work hard. That's not to say they haven't been pushing me. Far from it. I have reached new physical limits, which are constantly changing. I keep pushing myself harder and harder, mostly out of curiosity. I wonder if limits exist anymore. For as one of my captains said, " You can train yourself to do anything."
Oh, how I ache with stories and adventures. I wish they were like water and everybody could drink from my well. I'm overflowing. Take them, enjoy them. Feel my fears, my joys, my triumphs, my failures, my life.
Even though it has been a slow fire season, that has not decreased the number of events. I love the irony. Everyone keeps saying, "Thank God it's been a slow season. Thank God it's been a slow season." Echos from the corners of the earth. Well, I hate to break it to you slow-season believers, but I actually encounter more dangers with this slow season. Because instead of a tool in my hand I now wield a chainsaw. Far more dangers than any job involving fire. In fact...some would say exponentially more dangerous. I now hope there will be prayers for fire.
Well, it is late, and my energy dwindles. Hopefully this short message will suffice on my happy existence. I am happy. I suppose that's really all people want to know. I love you all.
Erika
Sunday, August 30, 2009
What Ted Kennedy Meant
Over the past several days, I have watched every minute of the televised events surrounding the death of Senator Edward M. Kennedy. I was electronically "there" for all of the memorial service held at the John F. Kennedy library, the entire Mass held at the Mission Church in Roxbury, Massachusetts, and the afternoon and evening that witnessed the transportation of his casket from Boston to Washington, DC, and his subsequent burial ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia.
I listened carefully to every word that was spoken about Teddy in the many speeches that were given over the course of the past 3 days. I ruminated, cried, and laughed. I cried because death makes us sad and grief hurts. I laughed because there were many stories told by his colleagues and friends that were truly funny. But mostly I cried and felt a sense of despair, personal and global.
It's not just about Teddy Kennedy's death, the unbelievable tragedies he and his family have had to endure, the political and personal "mistakes" he has made, how he was not a perfect person with a flawless record, or the grief and pain his offspring are obviously suffering. As the emotions of each day ebbed into the background, I began to discover what the tears were really about: I cry because we have lost a liberal champion, a progressive thinker and do-er, and a real force in politics who already accomplished more than we could have hoped for. I cry because that loud voice (who didn't always get his way) is gone forever. When we felt the bitter disappointments handed to us by gutless other politicians for whom we had voted in good faith, I knew we had Ted Kennedy. His passing leaves a void that is hugely gaping and abysmal.
I cry too because I am touched by his own redemption. I am stirred in my soul with the knowing, finally, that imperfection doesn't mean defeat. Imperfection doesn't mean the baby has to be thrown asunder with the bath water. Imperfection doesn't condemn a whole life to invalidity or nothingness.
Imperfect people can redeem themselves and do good and excellent things while remaining imperfect. Not everything has to rise to the level of perfection to be considered valuable.
All of my life, I've leaned toward idealism---the way things "ought" to be---and when they weren't, that it what I mourned. Hearing, seeing, tasting, reading, or experiencing anything that implied or demonstrated perfection to me always brought (and brings) me to tears.
I will always be moved and stirred in my soul by perfection and idealism, but now, after Teddy Kennedy's death, I finally and concretely realize that there is a road to betterment that is not constructed with sinlessness. There is a path called "striving for excellence" that is not paved with pure gold, and it doesn't have to be. The path less traveled, the one full of brush and thorny overgrowth, sharp curves, side roads, weeds, rocks, logs, mud, the occasional flower, and dried, discarded leaves is a legitimate path that can be taken. In fact, such a path may be more intrinsically interesting, accessible, challenging, entertaining, productive, and inspiring than the smooth road that charts a straight line to that improbable destination called perfection.
Teddy Kennedy's life and death make me feel better about my own life. It seems like a selfish thing to say, but any good life lesson can come with the most unusual of events, emotions, or thoughts. For all the good he did for us in this country, and the world, I thank him. For the good he did for me in re-evaluating my own life of imperfection, I really thank him. May he rest in peace. And may the rest of his political colleagues take up the banner of his perseverance and do the right (even if not the perfect) thing.
I listened carefully to every word that was spoken about Teddy in the many speeches that were given over the course of the past 3 days. I ruminated, cried, and laughed. I cried because death makes us sad and grief hurts. I laughed because there were many stories told by his colleagues and friends that were truly funny. But mostly I cried and felt a sense of despair, personal and global.
It's not just about Teddy Kennedy's death, the unbelievable tragedies he and his family have had to endure, the political and personal "mistakes" he has made, how he was not a perfect person with a flawless record, or the grief and pain his offspring are obviously suffering. As the emotions of each day ebbed into the background, I began to discover what the tears were really about: I cry because we have lost a liberal champion, a progressive thinker and do-er, and a real force in politics who already accomplished more than we could have hoped for. I cry because that loud voice (who didn't always get his way) is gone forever. When we felt the bitter disappointments handed to us by gutless other politicians for whom we had voted in good faith, I knew we had Ted Kennedy. His passing leaves a void that is hugely gaping and abysmal.
I cry too because I am touched by his own redemption. I am stirred in my soul with the knowing, finally, that imperfection doesn't mean defeat. Imperfection doesn't mean the baby has to be thrown asunder with the bath water. Imperfection doesn't condemn a whole life to invalidity or nothingness.
Imperfect people can redeem themselves and do good and excellent things while remaining imperfect. Not everything has to rise to the level of perfection to be considered valuable.
All of my life, I've leaned toward idealism---the way things "ought" to be---and when they weren't, that it what I mourned. Hearing, seeing, tasting, reading, or experiencing anything that implied or demonstrated perfection to me always brought (and brings) me to tears.
I will always be moved and stirred in my soul by perfection and idealism, but now, after Teddy Kennedy's death, I finally and concretely realize that there is a road to betterment that is not constructed with sinlessness. There is a path called "striving for excellence" that is not paved with pure gold, and it doesn't have to be. The path less traveled, the one full of brush and thorny overgrowth, sharp curves, side roads, weeds, rocks, logs, mud, the occasional flower, and dried, discarded leaves is a legitimate path that can be taken. In fact, such a path may be more intrinsically interesting, accessible, challenging, entertaining, productive, and inspiring than the smooth road that charts a straight line to that improbable destination called perfection.
Teddy Kennedy's life and death make me feel better about my own life. It seems like a selfish thing to say, but any good life lesson can come with the most unusual of events, emotions, or thoughts. For all the good he did for us in this country, and the world, I thank him. For the good he did for me in re-evaluating my own life of imperfection, I really thank him. May he rest in peace. And may the rest of his political colleagues take up the banner of his perseverance and do the right (even if not the perfect) thing.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Betrayal, Narcissism, Solipsism, and the Unknowable
A common language is vital to understanding another's point of view or perspective. Here are some working definitions:
Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract, trust, or confidence. Betrayal produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship between individuals.
Narcissism is behavior that involves infatuation and obsession with one's self, sometimes to the exclusion of others, and can consist of egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance, and ambition.
Solipsism is the notion that it is impossible ever to know another person, so there is no need to bother with understanding or empathizing. This often results in an egotistical refusal to acknowledge the needs or sometimes even the existence of others. Solipsism is often referred to as the belief that nothing real exists outside of one's own mind, thoughts, and ambitions.
The unknowable is that which cannot be known, despite one's best efforts; a thing beyond comprehension.
Recently, I experienced something that was, to me, unknowable and unpredictable. It was and is also seemingly beyond my comprehension. That thing was the unilateral dissolution of a 40-year friendship by a person (Alta) I had always considered truthful, straightforward, free of prejudice, loyal, spiritual, and loving. Alta still may be all of those things, but that's not my current way of perceiving Alta's qualities and character. After 40 years of friendship that manifested itself in being mutually supportive, I was shocked (stunned) to learn that Alta considers my characteristics to now include self-hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, and psychoemotional illness. I had no idea Alta felt this way or that Alta could or would unilaterally end (I had no say in the matter) such a long friendship. It never came up in 40 years of intense, long, and soul-searching conversations. I feel betrayed and experience all of the moral and psychological conflict it is possible to feel in these unexpected circumstances.
I am not sure if narcissism and/or solipsism influenced Alta's decision, so I can't make that claim, but recent conversations with Alta lead me to believe that there is a preoccupation with self and self-expression such that no one else's point of view can penetrate Alta's desire to be spiritually "right" about how life should be experienced. No challenge to Alta's prevailing philosophies are allowed. This leads me to believe there is a degree of solipsism involved in the rather rigid mindset that seems to dominate Alta's behavior and intolerance of divergent opinions. Intellectually and emotionally, I don't think that is a sign of good mental health. I think it's a kind of mental arthritis that leads to diminution in function, flexibility, tolerance, and inclusivity. That is sad but reversible if only the will to reverse it were present. I fear the will to change is missing in this regretable circumstance.
The will to reverse or modify any chosen course is primary to any salubrious change. That is also seemingly what is lacking in our progressive politicians who are currently struggling with how to reconcile pending legislation on health-insurance reform. Even those with the power to change are impotent unless the will to change the current course is exerted.
Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract, trust, or confidence. Betrayal produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship between individuals.
Narcissism is behavior that involves infatuation and obsession with one's self, sometimes to the exclusion of others, and can consist of egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance, and ambition.
Solipsism is the notion that it is impossible ever to know another person, so there is no need to bother with understanding or empathizing. This often results in an egotistical refusal to acknowledge the needs or sometimes even the existence of others. Solipsism is often referred to as the belief that nothing real exists outside of one's own mind, thoughts, and ambitions.
The unknowable is that which cannot be known, despite one's best efforts; a thing beyond comprehension.
Recently, I experienced something that was, to me, unknowable and unpredictable. It was and is also seemingly beyond my comprehension. That thing was the unilateral dissolution of a 40-year friendship by a person (Alta) I had always considered truthful, straightforward, free of prejudice, loyal, spiritual, and loving. Alta still may be all of those things, but that's not my current way of perceiving Alta's qualities and character. After 40 years of friendship that manifested itself in being mutually supportive, I was shocked (stunned) to learn that Alta considers my characteristics to now include self-hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, and psychoemotional illness. I had no idea Alta felt this way or that Alta could or would unilaterally end (I had no say in the matter) such a long friendship. It never came up in 40 years of intense, long, and soul-searching conversations. I feel betrayed and experience all of the moral and psychological conflict it is possible to feel in these unexpected circumstances.
I am not sure if narcissism and/or solipsism influenced Alta's decision, so I can't make that claim, but recent conversations with Alta lead me to believe that there is a preoccupation with self and self-expression such that no one else's point of view can penetrate Alta's desire to be spiritually "right" about how life should be experienced. No challenge to Alta's prevailing philosophies are allowed. This leads me to believe there is a degree of solipsism involved in the rather rigid mindset that seems to dominate Alta's behavior and intolerance of divergent opinions. Intellectually and emotionally, I don't think that is a sign of good mental health. I think it's a kind of mental arthritis that leads to diminution in function, flexibility, tolerance, and inclusivity. That is sad but reversible if only the will to reverse it were present. I fear the will to change is missing in this regretable circumstance.
The will to reverse or modify any chosen course is primary to any salubrious change. That is also seemingly what is lacking in our progressive politicians who are currently struggling with how to reconcile pending legislation on health-insurance reform. Even those with the power to change are impotent unless the will to change the current course is exerted.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Amazing Grace Is What We Need
Composed probably between 1760 and 1770 in Olney, "Amazing Grace" was possibly one of the hymns written by John Newton for a weekly service. Through the years, other writers have composed additional verses to the hymn which came to be known as “Amazing Grace.” In the Olney Hymns, it was not entitled as such. These six stanzas appeared in both the first edition in 1779 and the 1808 edition, the one nearest the date of Newton’s death. The origin of the melody is unknown. Most hymnals attribute it to an early American folk melody. The Bill Moyers special on “Amazing Grace” speculated that it may have originated as the tune of a song the slaves sang in slave ships as they were transported in chains, against their will, to God Knows What.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me;
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon to ruin go,
The sun refuse to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
I truly hope that all the despairing people on this earth, who will never see justice done to humankind because of greed, selfishness, violence, and evil, will have their reward in the next life. I truly hope that grace (love) leads us all home.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me;
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon to ruin go,
The sun refuse to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
I truly hope that all the despairing people on this earth, who will never see justice done to humankind because of greed, selfishness, violence, and evil, will have their reward in the next life. I truly hope that grace (love) leads us all home.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Boycott Whole Foods
John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, wrote an op-ed piece this week for the Wall Street Journal giving his "personal" opinion about health insurance reform. It comes right out of the conservative (Republican) playbook and calls Obama supporters "socialists" and the proposed reform an "entitlement." It looks like Mr. Mackey has forgotten that most of the people who shop at Whole Foods are liberal-minded yuppies, who now need to be aware of Mr. Mackey's personal agenda. He is a rich anti-union corporatist who got that way because we willingly pay for his overpriced food. No more! This is the same guy who, between 1999 and 2006, went on message boards championing his store and deriding his competitor Wild Oats (which Whole Foods took over in 2007). He was investigated by the SEC and his own corporate board for these posts. Now he's waged another campaign to defeat health insurance reform. I am going to boycott Whole Foods, and I urge others to do the same. Corporatists only understand profits. Let's decrease his. There are other places to shop.
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