Bullying

A respected colleague has written a timely essay on bullies and bullying, and I would like to give it space in my blog because I think it pertains not only to the work place but also to our national politics and the bullying that goes on there daily, especially on cable television "news" outlets. I invite you, as well, to share your thoughts, possible solutions, and stories about bullying and how it affects your personal psychology.

"As I was struggling to sleep, it came to me why I was so troubled by a colleague’s unprovoked outburst in a recent e-mail. It was because she represents the bully---the bully that I’ve met at every turn in my life. And, I thought, here we go again… and, frankly, I’m not in the mood. It started way back with the nuns, and thereafter in almost every job I’ve had, a bully has been part and parcel.

The bully is that person who doesn’t care what you think and won’t respect individual differences---that person who refuses to acknowledge that respectable diversity adds to the group dynamic. Instead, bullies chooses to crush everyone else into submission---submission to their ideas, their way of doing things, and their self-righteous perception of their supremacy.

With bullies, you can’t take, or explain, the high road because they don’t understand it. They interpret the high road as a sign of weakness. They can’t or won’t comprehend that they should be ashamed of themselves. Bullies are those overbearing persons that all of the nice people are forced to deal with---the ones whose bad behavior is continually excused because we feel sorry that they’re out of control. They wreck the party for the rest of us.

Think of a recipe that entails delectable spices and ingredients. If one spice is added too heavily, the dish is ruined. The bully is the person who doesn’t understand that it’s the blend of spices that makes the dish delicious and desirable. They are the heavy-handed spice that ruins the dish, that overpowers the gentle salt and black pepper that, although plainer, are necessary to have the recipe spring into a balanced creation.

I’ve always tried to take the high road, even with the bullies. But with the bullies, I’ve learned to regret it. Initially, they are conciliatory---and even in that, they are overpowering, pandering, disingenuous. It’s hard to swallow, but we do so because we are the nice people. Bullies are sometimes temporarily on good behavior because “someone” is watching, paying attention–and it isn’t God they’re playing to.

Their good behavior only lasts until the next time---and there’s always a next time. Before you know it, it’s a formula. They falter, we excuse, they falter, we excuse, and on and on ad nauseum. Eventually, their behavior is expected, anticipated, but always excused because, as we all know, that’s just how they are. Instead of forcing them to rise to our level, we each die a little by accepting their unacceptable behavior, ultimately rendering it accepted even though unwelcomed. It’s our failure, but we shoulder it by taking the high road."