This Ship Has Sailed

In another life, a half-century ago, I was at the end of my teenage years when I met a small group of unconventional women who impaled me with endless confusion, contradiction, denial, confined independence, co-dependence, restrained nonconformity, realism, hurt, passion, shame, guilt, danger, anxiety, validation, thrill, and unfettered, raw experience. I was their willing apprentice for only a couple of years. Then I moved to another state and pretty much lost contact with them and their daily lives, adventures, and misadventures.

As is often seen in dysfunctional group dynamics, the leader of this closely knit cadre was an alcoholic: Cubby. Charismatic as hell. Strong. Independent. Chivalrous. Outspoken. Powerful. Wealthy. Influential. Intelligent. Daring. Well known, yet intensely private. She had much to hide and hide from. Her impression on me lasted well beyond her physical presence on this planet. She died just short of her 69th birthday in 1994. No one notified me. No one felt there was a reason to. I hadn't kept in touch with any of them for many years, and yet they were as big a part of me as though I lived next door. Youth is an impressionable time, and certain things become indelible and permanent.

Her significant other preceded her in death by many years. It was a tragic illness and an untimely end, the result of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. I watched from afar, disabled by my own sense of inadequacy to re-introduce myself into this tight circle of grieving friends. Her "best bud" Florine, at another, more professional and yet kindred, level of intimacy, died in 2002, having to endure life without Cubby for another 8 years before she succumbed. I know it was hard to live without Cubby. I only "knew" Cubby for a couple of years. Florine knew and worked with her for a lifetime.

Two other members of this tribe are unaccounted for by my reckoning. They might be dead or alive. I don't know, and there is no way for me to find out. I suspect at least one of them is gone---Doris, a massively obese, highly intelligent, extremely well read, wounded woman who I imagine could not have survived the biologic imperative of her corpulence.

The last renegade, Sis, passed over the golden bridge just last month on Hallowe'en, All Hallow's Eve. I prefer to think of this timing as some kind of practical joke perpetrated by Sis. She was nothing if not ironic.

Hallowe'en, a pagan tradition, was the biggest and most significant holiday of the Celtic year. The Celts believed that at the time of Samhain (Hallowe'en), more so than any other time of the year, the ghosts of the dead were able to mingle with the living because at Samhain the souls of those who had died during the year traveled into the otherworld. In some alternate universe that we can only guess at, there may have been many attempts by Cubby and Florine to induce Sis to come on over during the past decade or so, but Sis held out until All Hallow's Eve of 2009. She was stubborn that way and always had an outspoken mind of her own. In the earlier days, to which I was an actual witness, when the others of the cabal did not want to join Sis in something she had planned, she would say, "OK, then, I'll just get new friends." And she did. She was not going to be stifled in her social activities by these recalcitrant couch potatoes who preferred to sit around talking for hours in Cubby's living room, where all important things came to fruition and were made real. Sis always came back, however, despite disgustingly stomping out of the sanctum sanctorum on various occasions.

Sis is, as far as I can determine, the last to cross over from among the inner circle of this notorious group of unusual women. She left me with a couple of pithy shibboleths that were burned into my consciousness at age 19 and are to this day frequently repeated: "Anticipation is greater than realization" and "You can tell everything you need to know about a person by taking a trip with them." Even though I didn't heed the first of these mottos as much as I should have, I was always aware of its veracity as I reflected on dismaying circumstances in my life after they had broken my heart. As for the second motto, I have learned that I am able to travel comfortably with very few people. Taking a trip with someone does provide a valuable learning experience, most often a negative one, I've found. On both counts, Sis was right. Another thing she always said was this: "Never leave home without a jacket." This is such practical advice that it amazes me I wouldn't think of it on my own, but I often didn't and lived to regret it. Sis didn't say much, but what she said was believable. I should have listened more carefully. Now she's gone.

I learned of her death quite by accident yesterday. I had written to her every few years since 1964. In the early days of my departure from the Gopher State, I had even come back from the Wolverine State to visit with her, but there was an uneasiness to our visits. She never did quite forgive me for leaving. Despite her inexpression, she really was quite fond of me. In later years, I wrote to her every now and then, and sometimes she would answer and sometimes not. In the past 5 or so years, I began to wonder if she was still alive, so I would "google" her, and it would always come up with her address and phone number, so I tried calling her many times, but there was never an answer or an answering machine. Yesterday, I "googled" her again, just for the hell of it. I got back an obituary from her local newspaper. She had died at the end of last month. It was a shock to me. Now I know it's over. The group is gone. But, trust me, they live on and will do so until I am gone too.

Youth is an impressionable time, and certain things become indelible and permanent. Young love is one of these.