Coup de foudre

Coup de foudre is not an all-you-can-eat buffet in the shape of an automobile. It is a French term that translates to "bolt of lightning." It is akin to falling in love at first sight. Perhaps it doesn't happen to everyone, so the term does not necessarily resonate with those who haven't experienced it. One can fall in love with many things: Other people, puppies, cute babies, books, music, oneself, cars, life, money, ideas, belief systems, and any number of inanimate or animate objects. It is an immediate and powerful attraction to something or someone that rises above the level of the ordinary. It hits like a bolt of lightning, a bolt of recognition, an intense emotional attachment. What does one do when a coup de foudre has struck? Another word that is seldom, if ever, used in everyday conversation is "compathy." We all know about sympathy, empathy, and compassion, but compathy is a state of mind that goes, I think, a step further. Sympathy is the condition of seeing someone suffer and our desire to comfort that person with words of encouragement or understanding. One can be sympathetic with another in complete silence or with just a touch or a hug. It lets the other person know that you acknowledge her pain and suffering and that you are wishing to extend a warm word, touch, or embrace to be present to that pain. Empathy is the condition of seeing someone suffer and actually resonating with that suffering because we "know" how that person feels, having experienced a similar situation. We completely understand what it is like to be in that painful state. We remember our own pain and acknowledge that in another person. It is an emotional knowing that lets us identify so thoroughly with another's discomfort. Compassion is often thought of as a generic term that applies to recognizing the suffering of all sentient beings and wishing to lessen that suffering in some manner through positive or right action. Compathy is the ability to simultaneously feel what the other person is feeling with the same intensity and character. This can occur even if we are miles apart from the suffering person and have no direct knowledge of what the other person is experiencing. It has often been reported in twins. One twin knows exactly what the other twin is going through though they are separated by vast distances. Mothers have reported this phenomenon (fathers also, I'm sure), sometimes in terms of "precognition," having a feeling that something dreadful has happened to a child before news of that event has reached the compath's awareness. Being a compath can be devastating to one's well-being. If a loved one, for example, is experiencing extreme stress or anxiety or depression, a compath will feel that same emotional overlay for no apparent reason having to do with the compath's own life. It can be debilitating and confusing to suddenly experience a flash of anxiety or sadness when there is no explicable reason for it. The compath is picking up this negative energy through some mechanism not readily understood. I'm not an expert in the area of psychoemotional states of mind, clearly. Writing about it is just a way to try to define it for myself. It is certainly true that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in our philosophies. I wait for the day when things of this nature are made clear, for now we all see through a glass darkly.

EMPTYING THE MIND

Though it happened decades ago, I still have a vivid, kinesthetic memory of buying new supplies in late August to start school in September. The best part of that shopping spree was having blank notebooks, blank paper, and new pencils and pens. It was the idea of being able to begin anew, to create something different, to start with a blank slate, and to determine my own individual outcomes that was so utterly attractive to me. We don't usually think in terms of the mind being cluttered, like an attic full of dusty, unused, unwanted (nevertheless stored forever) paraphernalia, so it is probably a strange idea to most people to practice emptying the mind like one would empty the garbage or clean out the garage, but it is a worthy consideration. We waste a great deal of energy every day by thinking too much. Most people believe that thinking is primarily what the mind is for, and it's mostly true; however, the kind of thinking we do most of the time is about anxieties, fears, judgments, arguments. stressors, fantasies, fixations, and trivia. Thinking is addicting. We seem to fear or hate silence of the mind, but we also wonder why we feel so burdened, distracted, overwhelmed, and brain dead. Emptying the mind is not synonymous with not thinking. It is synonymous with disciplining the mind and, hence, the thoughts. The mind functions best and with most clarity precisely when it is uncluttered by chaotic and unrelated thoughts that are driven by the compulsion to think anything regardless of content. Constant thinking also interferes with listening. It is a common experience for people to note that they don't listen effectively to another person in conversation when they are thinking about what to say next. Thinking is often a big distraction to the experiential process of being "in the moment." Every day, take some minutes to sit quietly and empty the mind of all thoughts. It isn't always an easy thing to do. Refuse to drag into each new day the excess, leftover thoughts from previous days. It is too much to carry, and it sets a mental tone that predetermines one's experience. Give permission to let this day start as a blank page and that creating the outcome by paying attention to all that is important and by not bringing preconceived notions to the blank page could lead to a peaceful state of mind. Showing up for life is the most important thing; whatever happens, one can accept and work on it without hysteria or mental extravagance. Simplicity in mindfulness is elegance in action. Remind yourself that there is energy everywhere and that you participate in this energy whether you know it or not. Determine the energy that you allow to enter into your state of mind and being.

Secondary Gain

There is a fine line between enabling others to avoid their own responsibilities and being a douchebag who pulls the plug at the expense of others. Sometimes you have to stop helping others so they can grow up and help themselves. Sometimes help is actually hurt. It is extremely difficult for caretakers to discern the difference between help and hurt because to the caretaker it all looks like help when it's actually not. The caretaker will sacrifice herself in the process of helping others avoid personal growth and accountability. Caretakers don't think about how they are hurting themselves because they so don't want to think of themselves as hurtful to others, and since they don't think of themselves as having legitimate value (that is, worthy of self-care), they continue to kill themselves rather than save themselves and "hurt" others even if the moral thing to do would be to not gratuitously assist another person. I ask myself that every day: Why do I think so little of myself that I continue to hurt myself under the guise of helping others? The concept (and reality) involves what is called "secondary gain." Everybody operates from a point of view of self-interest whether it is recognized or not. People can stomp their feet and cry out in denial, but it's still true. It's a biologic imperative. For every action you do, there is self-interest somewhere at the core. It may look like altruism, but it's not necessarily that. There is an element of secondary gain to every human interaction. The question that has to be honestly (no bullshit) answered is this one: What am I getting out of this? It's a hard question, but there is an answer if you will only take the time to analyze it as rationally as possible. Most caretakers will steadfastly refuse to answer that question; hence, they are perpetually stuck in neurotic caretaking mode because they are more psychoemotionally comfortable being in denial about their secondary gain. You can deny gravity all you want, but it still exists despite your adamant refusal to believe it.

Spring in Michigan 2016

It's spring in Michigan, and it's 2016. The hiatus has been long and arduous. The planet is suffering from global warming, and it's only going to get worse unless we stop the pollution of our atmosphere, oceans, and forests. Then, there is pollution of the mind, heart, and spirit as well, and how do we deal with that? In this country, the political atmosphere is toxic, violent, poisonous, polluting, and redolent of fascism, authoritarianism, sexism, and racism. I almost said it was redolent of hatred, but the mentality du jour is actual hatred, not merely reminiscent of hatred. There is a difference between the hint of stench and the rotting corpse itself. What a way to reintroduce the pleasures of blogging, but blogging in itself is existential, and things change every minute. We only have the moment we occupy. The misery comes from memory and projection. For now, I will focus on the burgeoning leaves, the flowers, the newly hatched birds, the ever-moving water, and the waxing and waning of the moon.

The Culture of Business and Cult of Personality

I hate the culture of business although I know it's the methodology of capitalism. It's so unthinking and insensitive. Its bottom line is always money, and every thing and every value is subservient to that. The ethic is not "Do Unto Others" as in the Golden Rule; it seems to be "See what you can get away with and what can be exploited in the process." For what? Greed, I guess. Money and power. It is against my personal spiritual value system. The downside of being exposed to and participating in a workplace like that is the fact that others are continually making judgments and playing games motivated by the lust for power and authoritarianism. The judgments are those they have no right to make and which are based on an ego-intense perspective. Why do we continue in this madness? It is truly an insane world we have created. Is it because we don't know how to sustain our lives in a satisfying way without money? Money is, after all, just a symbol and a tool that keeps us from killing each other for food. It is also a tool that keeps us killing each other for territory, food, resources, property, and power. Money is all things to all people.

It is only through self-discipline and sometimes repression that my anger is held in check. It's taken me years to get to the place where I am not chewing nails and spitting metal shavings. I am not sure there is any good or effective way of divesting oneself of all the jumbled emotions that arise from political or personal trauma. I could seek the mind-numbing effects of drugs, alcohol, addictions of various sorts, or fucking with people's heads, but I choose to remain sober and somewhat attuned to a spiritual value system that includes empathy and a semiglobal understanding of our true purpose on earth. There is a kind of selflessness in that which can be healing and peacegiving, but the fact remains that unless we are totally inured to the urgings of the ego, we still harbor anger, resentment, regret, and a screaming feeling of unbelievable unfairness. Perhaps I should be in a monastery---raising goats, gardening, painting, writing, listening to music, and not having to listen to and interact with all the insanities of the world at large. Maybe then I could gain the inner peace necessary to prevent bruising encounters with politics and personalities. Another alternative is to be so filthy rich that one could buy inner peace and profound privacy (total avoidance). Perhaps one could also achieve that by living in a refrigerator box under a viaduct. The secret, I suppose, is keeping a balance in the midst of insanity.

We are constantly creating the effects of our lives; in fact, we cannot avoid creating the effects of our lives. I believe that the creative power or energy that put all of this in place is a responsive one and that it responds to our thoughts and feelings. A creative energy/power cannot NOT create in every instant of time; therefore, whatever our mental energies envision (good, bad, or indifferent), this envisioning itself creates our circumstances. If we do not like our circumstances, we have only to do one thing: Change our minds and our ensuing behaviors. Every moment of life depends upon one thing and one thing only: Our perception of it. People who express anger, fear, self-doubt, violence, hatred, and so forth, have only to change their minds if they don't like their circumstances. The expression of anything begets that very same thing. Love begets love, fear begets fear, anger begets anger. Test it. Love does not beget fear, anger does not beget peace, and serenity does not beget agitation. The only way to have peace is literally to have peaceful thoughts and do peaceful actions. Doesn't this seem logical? The founder of Morita therapy (as described in many books by David Reynolds) expresses a central concept: Don't do as you feel; feel as you do.

How do we stop the emotions? How do we stop feeling angry or resentful or a jarring sense of unfairness? I think we don't and shouldn't stop emotions. Emotions come and feel like a certain state of mind. However, emotions also go, and one can stop the emotions from creating the effects of those emotions (in one's body, mind, and spirit) by letting the emotions pass through and becoming aware that one is letting go of all thoughts and feelings that do not resonate with a feeling of peace, love, beauty, or truth. I believe it is the stopping up of negative feelings, emotions, or thoughts and focusing on them that creates a permanent manifestation. If the energy keeps flowing, it will flow away and won't become part of one's physical, psychological, mental, or spiritual architecture.

That might sound like repression, but I believe that it is not just the covering up of negative emotions. It is truly the allowance of flow. The more we rehearse anger, hatred, fear, self-doubt, and violence, the better we become at it. We become what we practice. If we desire a sense of timelessness, a slowing down of this frantic lifestyle we lead, a feeling of integration, wholeness, healing, peace, joy, or simplicity, then that is what we must practice. We cannot keep practicing impatience, anger, irritability, and ignorance and expect to be peaceful, loving, and empathic. Whatever we reinforce in ourselves and others is what evolves into behaviors that are either desirable or not. It takes much courage and awareness to step out of the path of everyone else's vortex and into our own sense of wholeness, balance, and peace. Energy is very "catching." Vibrations from others that jar our sense of calm are very disruptive. If we sense that is going on, we must redouble our efforts to focus on our center and not on the frantic and chaotic energy that is around us or beside us.

It hurts when others think badly of us, but when we cogitate on those negative judgments, the "bad shit" is what we are taking into ourselves and making the ruler of our emotions and lives. We have to resist others' bad opinions of ourselves, not by lying to ourselves but by recognizing that we are a creation of God with all the purity, innocence, respect, and empowerment that is ours by nature. When others who used to love us suddenly despise us, that reflects a change in their attitudes; hence, it is out of our control, but we do not have to soak up that negative judgment and internalize or live it. We can simply realize that they are misguided about us and, furthermore, their misguided or negative judgment about us is creating nonpeace, nonlove, nonempathy, and chaos in their own lives. It is impossible to hold a negative or unforgiving thought about anything or anyone and maintain peace inside. To have peace is to forgive all. If peace is more important than anything, we have to give up bad or unforgiving thoughts about anyone or anything, and we have to recognize that others' bad/unforgiving thoughts about us hurt them, not us. We always have a choice at every moment how we want to feel, think, be, and act. Even in the most threatening and devastating of circumstances, we can choose how we want to be. That is a tremendous power, and most people either don't realize it or don't want to realize it because to realize this power is to take total responsibility and accountability for one's own life.

Many people don't want to take total responsibility for their lives. They are busy trying to make others take responsibility (You make me so mad; you drive me nuts; the cashier pissed me off; my boss hates me; God hates me; you are the cause of my unhappiness; you made me do it; if it weren't for you, I would be _____).

Many people (sometimes our loved ones) are so immersed in their unhealthy emotions that they want others to underwrite their lives and take care of them. Whenever we encounter a person who wants to be "taken care of" unreasonably, we have to be careful not to enable that person to continue in self-destructive behavior. In the end, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Namaste.

Bed of Roses/Bette Midler

Long, long ago, where the tall grass grows
And the still air is sweet with summer flowers
In the shade by a stream I would lie awake and dream
And in dreaming I would while away the hours

Long, long gone yesterday
And the castle and the princess and the god to whom I pray
Well I made and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired of trying to be free
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses I believed my life would be

All those wasted years
All the useless, bitter tears
If I'd known, I'd have stopped it at the start
I knew life was long
And I knew life could go wrong
But I never knew my life would break my heart

Dreams die harder than pride
I have learned my lesson well
I will put them both aside
'Cause I made and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired and I'm dying to be free
Roses die, and all the fairy tales are lies
And I guess that's just too bad for poor old me
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses I believed my life would be

Things I Learned in 2011 (or maybe before)

1. Learn to enjoy the empty feeling, literally and figuratively. There is a lot of empty.

2. Don't expect incapable people to meet any of your needs. I once said to someone I loved: "Why don't you meet any of my needs?" The reply: "Because your needs are stupid."

3. Anyone who thinks total independence is synonymous with mental health and strength is living a lie. Health and happiness come from nurturing mature interdependence.

4. Our wounds occur in relationships, and our healing resides in relationships.

5. Avoid narcissism.

6. Wisdom erases Karma (but not fast enough).

7. Let thy food and thy booze be thy medicine.

8. Stay loose. Tightness is synonymous with death. Permeability is the capacity to take things in selectively.

9. Thank the Tao every day.

10. Remember that you are a spirit inhabiting a human body, not the other way around. That is a hard one for old, arthritic people to remember.

11. Whatever we can conceive, we can achieve; however, it won't happen most of the time. Learn to live with disappointment.

12. Despite all the flowery, excessive language and ego-driven bragging one sees on Facebook or other social networking sites (e.g., amazing, awesome, fantastic, marvelous, and did I mention awesome), nobody is all that and a bag of chips.