Sunday, June 26, 2016
Secondary Gain
There is a fine line between enabling others to avoid their own responsibilities and being a douchebag who pulls the plug at the expense of others.
Sometimes you have to stop helping others so they can grow up and help themselves.
Sometimes help is actually hurt. It is extremely difficult for caretakers to discern the difference between help and hurt because to the caretaker it all looks like help when it's actually not. The caretaker will sacrifice herself in the process of helping others avoid personal growth and accountability. Caretakers don't think about how they are hurting themselves because they so don't want to think of themselves as hurtful to others, and since they don't think of themselves as having legitimate value (that is, worthy of self-care), they continue to kill themselves rather than save themselves and "hurt" others even if the moral thing to do would be to not gratuitously assist another person.
I ask myself that every day: Why do I think so little of myself that I continue to hurt myself under the guise of helping others?
The concept (and reality) involves what is called "secondary gain." Everybody operates from a point of view of self-interest whether it is recognized or not. People can stomp their feet and cry out in denial, but it's still true. It's a biologic imperative. For every action you do, there is self-interest somewhere at the core.
It may look like altruism, but it's not necessarily that. There is an element of secondary gain to every human interaction.
The question that has to be honestly (no bullshit) answered is this one: What am I getting out of this?
It's a hard question, but there is an answer if you will only take the time to analyze it as rationally as possible.
Most caretakers will steadfastly refuse to answer that question; hence, they are perpetually stuck in neurotic caretaking mode because they are more psychoemotionally comfortable being in denial about their secondary gain.
You can deny gravity all you want, but it still exists despite your adamant refusal to believe it.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Spring in Michigan 2016
It's spring in Michigan, and it's 2016. The hiatus has been long and arduous. The planet is suffering from global warming, and it's only going to get worse unless we stop the pollution of our atmosphere, oceans, and forests. Then, there is pollution of the mind, heart, and spirit as well, and how do we deal with that? In this country, the political atmosphere is toxic, violent, poisonous, polluting, and redolent of fascism, authoritarianism, sexism, and racism. I almost said it was redolent of hatred, but the mentality du jour is actual hatred, not merely reminiscent of hatred. There is a difference between the hint of stench and the rotting corpse itself.
What a way to reintroduce the pleasures of blogging, but blogging in itself is existential, and things change every minute. We only have the moment we occupy. The misery comes from memory and projection. For now, I will focus on the burgeoning leaves, the flowers, the newly hatched birds, the ever-moving water, and the waxing and waning of the moon.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Culture of Business and Cult of Personality
I hate the culture of business although I know it's the methodology of capitalism. It's so unthinking and insensitive. Its bottom line is always money, and every thing and every value is subservient to that. The ethic is not "Do Unto Others" as in the Golden Rule; it seems to be "See what you can get away with and what can be exploited in the process." For what? Greed, I guess. Money and power. It is against my personal spiritual value system. The downside of being exposed to and participating in a workplace like that is the fact that others are continually making judgments and playing games motivated by the lust for power and authoritarianism. The judgments are those they have no right to make and which are based on an ego-intense perspective. Why do we continue in this madness? It is truly an insane world we have created. Is it because we don't know how to sustain our lives in a satisfying way without money? Money is, after all, just a symbol and a tool that keeps us from killing each other for food. It is also a tool that keeps us killing each other for territory, food, resources, property, and power. Money is all things to all people.
It is only through self-discipline and sometimes repression that my anger is held in check. It's taken me years to get to the place where I am not chewing nails and spitting metal shavings. I am not sure there is any good or effective way of divesting oneself of all the jumbled emotions that arise from political or personal trauma. I could seek the mind-numbing effects of drugs, alcohol, addictions of various sorts, or fucking with people's heads, but I choose to remain sober and somewhat attuned to a spiritual value system that includes empathy and a semiglobal understanding of our true purpose on earth. There is a kind of selflessness in that which can be healing and peacegiving, but the fact remains that unless we are totally inured to the urgings of the ego, we still harbor anger, resentment, regret, and a screaming feeling of unbelievable unfairness. Perhaps I should be in a monastery---raising goats, gardening, painting, writing, listening to music, and not having to listen to and interact with all the insanities of the world at large. Maybe then I could gain the inner peace necessary to prevent bruising encounters with politics and personalities. Another alternative is to be so filthy rich that one could buy inner peace and profound privacy (total avoidance). Perhaps one could also achieve that by living in a refrigerator box under a viaduct. The secret, I suppose, is keeping a balance in the midst of insanity.
We are constantly creating the effects of our lives; in fact, we cannot avoid creating the effects of our lives. I believe that the creative power or energy that put all of this in place is a responsive one and that it responds to our thoughts and feelings. A creative energy/power cannot NOT create in every instant of time; therefore, whatever our mental energies envision (good, bad, or indifferent), this envisioning itself creates our circumstances. If we do not like our circumstances, we have only to do one thing: Change our minds and our ensuing behaviors. Every moment of life depends upon one thing and one thing only: Our perception of it. People who express anger, fear, self-doubt, violence, hatred, and so forth, have only to change their minds if they don't like their circumstances. The expression of anything begets that very same thing. Love begets love, fear begets fear, anger begets anger. Test it. Love does not beget fear, anger does not beget peace, and serenity does not beget agitation. The only way to have peace is literally to have peaceful thoughts and do peaceful actions. Doesn't this seem logical? The founder of Morita therapy (as described in many books by David Reynolds) expresses a central concept: Don't do as you feel; feel as you do.
How do we stop the emotions? How do we stop feeling angry or resentful or a jarring sense of unfairness? I think we don't and shouldn't stop emotions. Emotions come and feel like a certain state of mind. However, emotions also go, and one can stop the emotions from creating the effects of those emotions (in one's body, mind, and spirit) by letting the emotions pass through and becoming aware that one is letting go of all thoughts and feelings that do not resonate with a feeling of peace, love, beauty, or truth. I believe it is the stopping up of negative feelings, emotions, or thoughts and focusing on them that creates a permanent manifestation. If the energy keeps flowing, it will flow away and won't become part of one's physical, psychological, mental, or spiritual architecture.
That might sound like repression, but I believe that it is not just the covering up of negative emotions. It is truly the allowance of flow. The more we rehearse anger, hatred, fear, self-doubt, and violence, the better we become at it. We become what we practice. If we desire a sense of timelessness, a slowing down of this frantic lifestyle we lead, a feeling of integration, wholeness, healing, peace, joy, or simplicity, then that is what we must practice. We cannot keep practicing impatience, anger, irritability, and ignorance and expect to be peaceful, loving, and empathic. Whatever we reinforce in ourselves and others is what evolves into behaviors that are either desirable or not. It takes much courage and awareness to step out of the path of everyone else's vortex and into our own sense of wholeness, balance, and peace. Energy is very "catching." Vibrations from others that jar our sense of calm are very disruptive. If we sense that is going on, we must redouble our efforts to focus on our center and not on the frantic and chaotic energy that is around us or beside us.
It hurts when others think badly of us, but when we cogitate on those negative judgments, the "bad shit" is what we are taking into ourselves and making the ruler of our emotions and lives. We have to resist others' bad opinions of ourselves, not by lying to ourselves but by recognizing that we are a creation of God with all the purity, innocence, respect, and empowerment that is ours by nature. When others who used to love us suddenly despise us, that reflects a change in their attitudes; hence, it is out of our control, but we do not have to soak up that negative judgment and internalize or live it. We can simply realize that they are misguided about us and, furthermore, their misguided or negative judgment about us is creating nonpeace, nonlove, nonempathy, and chaos in their own lives. It is impossible to hold a negative or unforgiving thought about anything or anyone and maintain peace inside. To have peace is to forgive all. If peace is more important than anything, we have to give up bad or unforgiving thoughts about anyone or anything, and we have to recognize that others' bad/unforgiving thoughts about us hurt them, not us. We always have a choice at every moment how we want to feel, think, be, and act. Even in the most threatening and devastating of circumstances, we can choose how we want to be. That is a tremendous power, and most people either don't realize it or don't want to realize it because to realize this power is to take total responsibility and accountability for one's own life.
Many people don't want to take total responsibility for their lives. They are busy trying to make others take responsibility (You make me so mad; you drive me nuts; the cashier pissed me off; my boss hates me; God hates me; you are the cause of my unhappiness; you made me do it; if it weren't for you, I would be _____).
Many people (sometimes our loved ones) are so immersed in their unhealthy emotions that they want others to underwrite their lives and take care of them. Whenever we encounter a person who wants to be "taken care of" unreasonably, we have to be careful not to enable that person to continue in self-destructive behavior. In the end, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Namaste.
It is only through self-discipline and sometimes repression that my anger is held in check. It's taken me years to get to the place where I am not chewing nails and spitting metal shavings. I am not sure there is any good or effective way of divesting oneself of all the jumbled emotions that arise from political or personal trauma. I could seek the mind-numbing effects of drugs, alcohol, addictions of various sorts, or fucking with people's heads, but I choose to remain sober and somewhat attuned to a spiritual value system that includes empathy and a semiglobal understanding of our true purpose on earth. There is a kind of selflessness in that which can be healing and peacegiving, but the fact remains that unless we are totally inured to the urgings of the ego, we still harbor anger, resentment, regret, and a screaming feeling of unbelievable unfairness. Perhaps I should be in a monastery---raising goats, gardening, painting, writing, listening to music, and not having to listen to and interact with all the insanities of the world at large. Maybe then I could gain the inner peace necessary to prevent bruising encounters with politics and personalities. Another alternative is to be so filthy rich that one could buy inner peace and profound privacy (total avoidance). Perhaps one could also achieve that by living in a refrigerator box under a viaduct. The secret, I suppose, is keeping a balance in the midst of insanity.
We are constantly creating the effects of our lives; in fact, we cannot avoid creating the effects of our lives. I believe that the creative power or energy that put all of this in place is a responsive one and that it responds to our thoughts and feelings. A creative energy/power cannot NOT create in every instant of time; therefore, whatever our mental energies envision (good, bad, or indifferent), this envisioning itself creates our circumstances. If we do not like our circumstances, we have only to do one thing: Change our minds and our ensuing behaviors. Every moment of life depends upon one thing and one thing only: Our perception of it. People who express anger, fear, self-doubt, violence, hatred, and so forth, have only to change their minds if they don't like their circumstances. The expression of anything begets that very same thing. Love begets love, fear begets fear, anger begets anger. Test it. Love does not beget fear, anger does not beget peace, and serenity does not beget agitation. The only way to have peace is literally to have peaceful thoughts and do peaceful actions. Doesn't this seem logical? The founder of Morita therapy (as described in many books by David Reynolds) expresses a central concept: Don't do as you feel; feel as you do.
How do we stop the emotions? How do we stop feeling angry or resentful or a jarring sense of unfairness? I think we don't and shouldn't stop emotions. Emotions come and feel like a certain state of mind. However, emotions also go, and one can stop the emotions from creating the effects of those emotions (in one's body, mind, and spirit) by letting the emotions pass through and becoming aware that one is letting go of all thoughts and feelings that do not resonate with a feeling of peace, love, beauty, or truth. I believe it is the stopping up of negative feelings, emotions, or thoughts and focusing on them that creates a permanent manifestation. If the energy keeps flowing, it will flow away and won't become part of one's physical, psychological, mental, or spiritual architecture.
That might sound like repression, but I believe that it is not just the covering up of negative emotions. It is truly the allowance of flow. The more we rehearse anger, hatred, fear, self-doubt, and violence, the better we become at it. We become what we practice. If we desire a sense of timelessness, a slowing down of this frantic lifestyle we lead, a feeling of integration, wholeness, healing, peace, joy, or simplicity, then that is what we must practice. We cannot keep practicing impatience, anger, irritability, and ignorance and expect to be peaceful, loving, and empathic. Whatever we reinforce in ourselves and others is what evolves into behaviors that are either desirable or not. It takes much courage and awareness to step out of the path of everyone else's vortex and into our own sense of wholeness, balance, and peace. Energy is very "catching." Vibrations from others that jar our sense of calm are very disruptive. If we sense that is going on, we must redouble our efforts to focus on our center and not on the frantic and chaotic energy that is around us or beside us.
It hurts when others think badly of us, but when we cogitate on those negative judgments, the "bad shit" is what we are taking into ourselves and making the ruler of our emotions and lives. We have to resist others' bad opinions of ourselves, not by lying to ourselves but by recognizing that we are a creation of God with all the purity, innocence, respect, and empowerment that is ours by nature. When others who used to love us suddenly despise us, that reflects a change in their attitudes; hence, it is out of our control, but we do not have to soak up that negative judgment and internalize or live it. We can simply realize that they are misguided about us and, furthermore, their misguided or negative judgment about us is creating nonpeace, nonlove, nonempathy, and chaos in their own lives. It is impossible to hold a negative or unforgiving thought about anything or anyone and maintain peace inside. To have peace is to forgive all. If peace is more important than anything, we have to give up bad or unforgiving thoughts about anyone or anything, and we have to recognize that others' bad/unforgiving thoughts about us hurt them, not us. We always have a choice at every moment how we want to feel, think, be, and act. Even in the most threatening and devastating of circumstances, we can choose how we want to be. That is a tremendous power, and most people either don't realize it or don't want to realize it because to realize this power is to take total responsibility and accountability for one's own life.
Many people don't want to take total responsibility for their lives. They are busy trying to make others take responsibility (You make me so mad; you drive me nuts; the cashier pissed me off; my boss hates me; God hates me; you are the cause of my unhappiness; you made me do it; if it weren't for you, I would be _____).
Many people (sometimes our loved ones) are so immersed in their unhealthy emotions that they want others to underwrite their lives and take care of them. Whenever we encounter a person who wants to be "taken care of" unreasonably, we have to be careful not to enable that person to continue in self-destructive behavior. In the end, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Namaste.
Bed of Roses/Bette Midler
Long, long ago, where the tall grass grows
And the still air is sweet with summer flowers
In the shade by a stream I would lie awake and dream
And in dreaming I would while away the hours
Long, long gone yesterday
And the castle and the princess and the god to whom I pray
Well I made and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired of trying to be free
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses I believed my life would be
All those wasted years
All the useless, bitter tears
If I'd known, I'd have stopped it at the start
I knew life was long
And I knew life could go wrong
But I never knew my life would break my heart
Dreams die harder than pride
I have learned my lesson well
I will put them both aside
'Cause I made and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired and I'm dying to be free
Roses die, and all the fairy tales are lies
And I guess that's just too bad for poor old me
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses I believed my life would be
And the still air is sweet with summer flowers
In the shade by a stream I would lie awake and dream
And in dreaming I would while away the hours
Long, long gone yesterday
And the castle and the princess and the god to whom I pray
Well I made and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired of trying to be free
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses I believed my life would be
All those wasted years
All the useless, bitter tears
If I'd known, I'd have stopped it at the start
I knew life was long
And I knew life could go wrong
But I never knew my life would break my heart
Dreams die harder than pride
I have learned my lesson well
I will put them both aside
'Cause I made and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired and I'm dying to be free
Roses die, and all the fairy tales are lies
And I guess that's just too bad for poor old me
Gonna lay down like a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses I believed my life would be
Things I Learned in 2011 (or maybe before)
1. Learn to enjoy the empty feeling, literally and figuratively. There is a lot of empty.
2. Don't expect incapable people to meet any of your needs. I once said to someone I loved: "Why don't you meet any of my needs?" The reply: "Because your needs are stupid."
3. Anyone who thinks total independence is synonymous with mental health and strength is living a lie. Health and happiness come from nurturing mature interdependence.
4. Our wounds occur in relationships, and our healing resides in relationships.
5. Avoid narcissism.
6. Wisdom erases Karma (but not fast enough).
7. Let thy food and thy booze be thy medicine.
8. Stay loose. Tightness is synonymous with death. Permeability is the capacity to take things in selectively.
9. Thank the Tao every day.
10. Remember that you are a spirit inhabiting a human body, not the other way around. That is a hard one for old, arthritic people to remember.
11. Whatever we can conceive, we can achieve; however, it won't happen most of the time. Learn to live with disappointment.
12. Despite all the flowery, excessive language and ego-driven bragging one sees on Facebook or other social networking sites (e.g., amazing, awesome, fantastic, marvelous, and did I mention awesome), nobody is all that and a bag of chips.
2. Don't expect incapable people to meet any of your needs. I once said to someone I loved: "Why don't you meet any of my needs?" The reply: "Because your needs are stupid."
3. Anyone who thinks total independence is synonymous with mental health and strength is living a lie. Health and happiness come from nurturing mature interdependence.
4. Our wounds occur in relationships, and our healing resides in relationships.
5. Avoid narcissism.
6. Wisdom erases Karma (but not fast enough).
7. Let thy food and thy booze be thy medicine.
8. Stay loose. Tightness is synonymous with death. Permeability is the capacity to take things in selectively.
9. Thank the Tao every day.
10. Remember that you are a spirit inhabiting a human body, not the other way around. That is a hard one for old, arthritic people to remember.
11. Whatever we can conceive, we can achieve; however, it won't happen most of the time. Learn to live with disappointment.
12. Despite all the flowery, excessive language and ego-driven bragging one sees on Facebook or other social networking sites (e.g., amazing, awesome, fantastic, marvelous, and did I mention awesome), nobody is all that and a bag of chips.
Hackers are Fucktards
Since I've been away from my blog, my account has been hacked, and the hacker changed my password. Hackers, like Wall Street financial consultants, bankers, and godless executives of immoral corporations, should be put in hard-labor prisons. I realize that criminals have no conscience, but "Thou Shalt Not Steal" is a clear message. Karma will be a bitch. Enjoy yourself; it's later than you think.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Shooting the Messenger
The protests in Wisconsin and in other places in the world illustrate beyond a doubt that typical corporate (profit is religion), paternalistic (father knows best), militaristic (you will obey), oligarchic (few number of rulers, vast number of workers) practices and philosophies alienate and dichotomize (us-versus-them mentality) the means of production (the people who produce the product upon which the corporation relies for its profits).
The fundamental rules of repressive, paternalistic, authoritarian corporate (or governmental-corporate, which is what we've become by tolerating its stranglehold on every aspect of our lives) management are:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Power is not to be shared with underlings except when it serves management.
3. Money is Religion.
4. Profits drive all decisions.
5. The means of production exist to serve the needs of the autocratic oligarchy.
6. Hierarchy is militaristic and vital to obedience-style management.
7. Ownership trumps the means of production.
8. Means of production need careful top-down manipulation to avoid rebellion/revolution.
The fundamental rules of progressive, egalitarian, representational, democratic management are:
1. Truth-telling and knowledge are the right of everyone on the team.
2. There is a team, and all team members are equal.
3. Knowledge enhances understanding and promotes shared values and vision.
4. The management exists to serve the needs of and to facilitate the means of production.
5. The means of production (people who produce the product) trump ownership and autocratic governance.
6. Team work trumps hierarchical paternalism.
Change is scary, but change is inevitable. This is a central or core truth that conservatives (right-wingers) deny and/or do not wish to acknowledge. Autocrats and oligarchs would like everyone (the ruled) to know just enough information to psychologically prepare them to embrace the changes they want and to cooperate with their agenda so they can continue to control the means of production and so that the masses (who do not rule) never quite realize that the rulers are not operating in the best interests of the masses.
This battle has been going on for a long time, but over the years, the rulers have worn down the resistance of the ruled (who are the means of production) to the point where there is complete capitulation to the "system" that's been immorally imposed upon the masses. Until now. Perhaps what we are seeing in Wisconsin and in other places (like the Middle East) is a sign of awakening, a sign of intolerance of the intolerable, and a sign that FAIRNESS needs to be restored. With fairness comes sanity. In my humble opinion, we have reached the point of utter insanity, and that largely comes from utter unfairness.
To those who mutter that the world is not fair: Yes, you are right. But it should be. And if it were, everybody (except the corporate-government rulers who desire to perpetuate and grow their control and agenda) would be happier, healthier, more productive, and considerably more imaginative and creative. There would be no need for crime or violence or mind-altering substances to abuse.
The fundamental rules of repressive, paternalistic, authoritarian corporate (or governmental-corporate, which is what we've become by tolerating its stranglehold on every aspect of our lives) management are:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Power is not to be shared with underlings except when it serves management.
3. Money is Religion.
4. Profits drive all decisions.
5. The means of production exist to serve the needs of the autocratic oligarchy.
6. Hierarchy is militaristic and vital to obedience-style management.
7. Ownership trumps the means of production.
8. Means of production need careful top-down manipulation to avoid rebellion/revolution.
The fundamental rules of progressive, egalitarian, representational, democratic management are:
1. Truth-telling and knowledge are the right of everyone on the team.
2. There is a team, and all team members are equal.
3. Knowledge enhances understanding and promotes shared values and vision.
4. The management exists to serve the needs of and to facilitate the means of production.
5. The means of production (people who produce the product) trump ownership and autocratic governance.
6. Team work trumps hierarchical paternalism.
Change is scary, but change is inevitable. This is a central or core truth that conservatives (right-wingers) deny and/or do not wish to acknowledge. Autocrats and oligarchs would like everyone (the ruled) to know just enough information to psychologically prepare them to embrace the changes they want and to cooperate with their agenda so they can continue to control the means of production and so that the masses (who do not rule) never quite realize that the rulers are not operating in the best interests of the masses.
This battle has been going on for a long time, but over the years, the rulers have worn down the resistance of the ruled (who are the means of production) to the point where there is complete capitulation to the "system" that's been immorally imposed upon the masses. Until now. Perhaps what we are seeing in Wisconsin and in other places (like the Middle East) is a sign of awakening, a sign of intolerance of the intolerable, and a sign that FAIRNESS needs to be restored. With fairness comes sanity. In my humble opinion, we have reached the point of utter insanity, and that largely comes from utter unfairness.
To those who mutter that the world is not fair: Yes, you are right. But it should be. And if it were, everybody (except the corporate-government rulers who desire to perpetuate and grow their control and agenda) would be happier, healthier, more productive, and considerably more imaginative and creative. There would be no need for crime or violence or mind-altering substances to abuse.
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