Coup de foudre

Coup de foudre is not an all-you-can-eat buffet in the shape of an automobile. It is a French term that translates to "bolt of lightning." It is akin to falling in love at first sight. Perhaps it doesn't happen to everyone, so the term does not necessarily resonate with those who haven't experienced it. One can fall in love with many things: Other people, puppies, cute babies, books, music, oneself, cars, life, money, ideas, belief systems, and any number of inanimate or animate objects. It is an immediate and powerful attraction to something or someone that rises above the level of the ordinary. It hits like a bolt of lightning, a bolt of recognition, an intense emotional attachment. What does one do when a coup de foudre has struck? Another word that is seldom, if ever, used in everyday conversation is "compathy." We all know about sympathy, empathy, and compassion, but compathy is a state of mind that goes, I think, a step further. Sympathy is the condition of seeing someone suffer and our desire to comfort that person with words of encouragement or understanding. One can be sympathetic with another in complete silence or with just a touch or a hug. It lets the other person know that you acknowledge her pain and suffering and that you are wishing to extend a warm word, touch, or embrace to be present to that pain. Empathy is the condition of seeing someone suffer and actually resonating with that suffering because we "know" how that person feels, having experienced a similar situation. We completely understand what it is like to be in that painful state. We remember our own pain and acknowledge that in another person. It is an emotional knowing that lets us identify so thoroughly with another's discomfort. Compassion is often thought of as a generic term that applies to recognizing the suffering of all sentient beings and wishing to lessen that suffering in some manner through positive or right action. Compathy is the ability to simultaneously feel what the other person is feeling with the same intensity and character. This can occur even if we are miles apart from the suffering person and have no direct knowledge of what the other person is experiencing. It has often been reported in twins. One twin knows exactly what the other twin is going through though they are separated by vast distances. Mothers have reported this phenomenon (fathers also, I'm sure), sometimes in terms of "precognition," having a feeling that something dreadful has happened to a child before news of that event has reached the compath's awareness. Being a compath can be devastating to one's well-being. If a loved one, for example, is experiencing extreme stress or anxiety or depression, a compath will feel that same emotional overlay for no apparent reason having to do with the compath's own life. It can be debilitating and confusing to suddenly experience a flash of anxiety or sadness when there is no explicable reason for it. The compath is picking up this negative energy through some mechanism not readily understood. I'm not an expert in the area of psychoemotional states of mind, clearly. Writing about it is just a way to try to define it for myself. It is certainly true that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in our philosophies. I wait for the day when things of this nature are made clear, for now we all see through a glass darkly.

EMPTYING THE MIND

Though it happened decades ago, I still have a vivid, kinesthetic memory of buying new supplies in late August to start school in September. The best part of that shopping spree was having blank notebooks, blank paper, and new pencils and pens. It was the idea of being able to begin anew, to create something different, to start with a blank slate, and to determine my own individual outcomes that was so utterly attractive to me. We don't usually think in terms of the mind being cluttered, like an attic full of dusty, unused, unwanted (nevertheless stored forever) paraphernalia, so it is probably a strange idea to most people to practice emptying the mind like one would empty the garbage or clean out the garage, but it is a worthy consideration. We waste a great deal of energy every day by thinking too much. Most people believe that thinking is primarily what the mind is for, and it's mostly true; however, the kind of thinking we do most of the time is about anxieties, fears, judgments, arguments. stressors, fantasies, fixations, and trivia. Thinking is addicting. We seem to fear or hate silence of the mind, but we also wonder why we feel so burdened, distracted, overwhelmed, and brain dead. Emptying the mind is not synonymous with not thinking. It is synonymous with disciplining the mind and, hence, the thoughts. The mind functions best and with most clarity precisely when it is uncluttered by chaotic and unrelated thoughts that are driven by the compulsion to think anything regardless of content. Constant thinking also interferes with listening. It is a common experience for people to note that they don't listen effectively to another person in conversation when they are thinking about what to say next. Thinking is often a big distraction to the experiential process of being "in the moment." Every day, take some minutes to sit quietly and empty the mind of all thoughts. It isn't always an easy thing to do. Refuse to drag into each new day the excess, leftover thoughts from previous days. It is too much to carry, and it sets a mental tone that predetermines one's experience. Give permission to let this day start as a blank page and that creating the outcome by paying attention to all that is important and by not bringing preconceived notions to the blank page could lead to a peaceful state of mind. Showing up for life is the most important thing; whatever happens, one can accept and work on it without hysteria or mental extravagance. Simplicity in mindfulness is elegance in action. Remind yourself that there is energy everywhere and that you participate in this energy whether you know it or not. Determine the energy that you allow to enter into your state of mind and being.

Secondary Gain

There is a fine line between enabling others to avoid their own responsibilities and being a douchebag who pulls the plug at the expense of others. Sometimes you have to stop helping others so they can grow up and help themselves. Sometimes help is actually hurt. It is extremely difficult for caretakers to discern the difference between help and hurt because to the caretaker it all looks like help when it's actually not. The caretaker will sacrifice herself in the process of helping others avoid personal growth and accountability. Caretakers don't think about how they are hurting themselves because they so don't want to think of themselves as hurtful to others, and since they don't think of themselves as having legitimate value (that is, worthy of self-care), they continue to kill themselves rather than save themselves and "hurt" others even if the moral thing to do would be to not gratuitously assist another person. I ask myself that every day: Why do I think so little of myself that I continue to hurt myself under the guise of helping others? The concept (and reality) involves what is called "secondary gain." Everybody operates from a point of view of self-interest whether it is recognized or not. People can stomp their feet and cry out in denial, but it's still true. It's a biologic imperative. For every action you do, there is self-interest somewhere at the core. It may look like altruism, but it's not necessarily that. There is an element of secondary gain to every human interaction. The question that has to be honestly (no bullshit) answered is this one: What am I getting out of this? It's a hard question, but there is an answer if you will only take the time to analyze it as rationally as possible. Most caretakers will steadfastly refuse to answer that question; hence, they are perpetually stuck in neurotic caretaking mode because they are more psychoemotionally comfortable being in denial about their secondary gain. You can deny gravity all you want, but it still exists despite your adamant refusal to believe it.

Spring in Michigan 2016

It's spring in Michigan, and it's 2016. The hiatus has been long and arduous. The planet is suffering from global warming, and it's only going to get worse unless we stop the pollution of our atmosphere, oceans, and forests. Then, there is pollution of the mind, heart, and spirit as well, and how do we deal with that? In this country, the political atmosphere is toxic, violent, poisonous, polluting, and redolent of fascism, authoritarianism, sexism, and racism. I almost said it was redolent of hatred, but the mentality du jour is actual hatred, not merely reminiscent of hatred. There is a difference between the hint of stench and the rotting corpse itself. What a way to reintroduce the pleasures of blogging, but blogging in itself is existential, and things change every minute. We only have the moment we occupy. The misery comes from memory and projection. For now, I will focus on the burgeoning leaves, the flowers, the newly hatched birds, the ever-moving water, and the waxing and waning of the moon.